Emotions

The ‘Ick’: Understanding Our Most Primitive Relationship Response

We’ve all been there: you’re getting on brilliantly with someone when suddenly they do something—chew with their mouth open, use baby talk, or wear socks with sandals—and the attraction vanishes instantly. That visceral feeling of revulsion? That’s “the ick,” and it’s far more complex than you might think.

What Is the Ick?

The ick is our ancient alarm system in action. This disgust response evolved to protect our ancestors from disease and contamination, but it’s expanded far beyond its original purpose. Today, it serves as an internal compass, alerting us to potential incompatibilities before we become too emotionally invested.

Recent research from Personality and Individual Differences (2025) reveals fascinating insights: women experience the ick more frequently than men (75% vs 57%), and people prone to disgust sensitivity, narcissism, or perfectionism are more likely to experience it. The most common triggers? Poor hygiene, bad manners, and behaviours that violate gender expectations.

When the Ick Goes Wrong

While the ick can protect us from genuinely incompatible partners, it becomes problematic when it prevents meaningful connections. Some people unconsciously use ick responses as a defence mechanism, rejecting partners before they can be rejected themselves. This pattern often stems from deeper issues around attachment and fear of vulnerability.

Professor Jennie Rosier’s research on TikTok content found that dismissive attachment styles are rising among Gen Z, with many using minor icks to avoid intimacy altogether. When every potential partner triggers disgust over trivial matters, the ick stops being helpful and starts being harmful.

Managing Icks in Relationships

In long-term relationships, icks inevitably arise—and they change over time. That laugh you once found adorable might suddenly grate on your nerves. This is normal relationship evolution, not necessarily a red flag.

The key is understanding that icks are often more about us than our partners. Stress, fatigue, and external pressures can amplify our sensitivity to annoying behaviours. Before assuming your relationship is doomed, consider:

Is this a pattern or a moment? Temporary irritation differs from fundamental incompatibility
What’s your emotional state? Are external stressors making you hypersensitive?
Is this about values or preferences? Some icks signal genuine problems; others are just surface-level annoyances

Moving Forward

The secret to handling icks lies in balance. Don’t dismiss them entirely—they can reveal important incompatibilities. But don’t let them dominate your perception either. Practice what psychologists call “positive sentiment override”: maintaining an overall positive view of your partner despite occasional irritations.

When discussing icks with partners, focus on your experience rather than their failings: “I’ve noticed I have a strong reaction when this happens” rather than “You disgust me when you do that.”

The Bottom Line

The ick is neither enemy nor friend—it’s information. Used wisely, it protects us from unsuitable matches and helps navigate relationship challenges. Used poorly, it becomes a barrier to the very intimacy we crave.

In our swipe-right culture of endless options, remember that perfect partners don’t exist. The question isn’t whether you’ll experience icks, but whether you can distinguish between helpful signals and defensive reactions. Master this, and you’re well on your way to deeper, more authentic connections.